Heartless (Keeping Secrets) Read online

  Chapter Thirteen

  TOMMY’S family was wonderful. They were loud and crass and joyful and free in a way that I hadn’t witnessed anywhere else, even at Kevin’s. It amazed me how Mark managed to juggle a conversation, feed Christian, and eat all at the same time. Dean and Danny played off one another until they had the entire table almost in tears from laughing so hard. Charlie was the authority figure, though he was more lenient than Joshua would’ve been if Kev and I had started a pea war like Tommy and Danny had.

  “So how did you end up with all this?” I asked Charlie, motioning to the table as Christian started smashing his mashed potatoes with his small meaty hands while Mark looked on in dismay.

  “Well, pretty much by a series of interesting accidents,” Charlie supplied, sipping his water. “We got Danny first. Mark found him. Then I found Dean. Then the caseworker that handled our adoptions of the two of them called us to take Christian since he was a difficult baby.”

  “Difficult?” I asked.

  “Yeah. He was addicted to crack when he was born, so he was a really fussy child originally. Not a lot of foster families are willing to take on a child addicted to something.” Charlie smiled sadly. “Nina, our caseworker, thought we’d be willing to take on the challenge.” He shrugged. “We’re both suckers for kids, so we got Christian. Then Mark’s sister passed away, and we moved down here for Tommy. Our family has grown exponentially over the past few years.”

  “That’s really cool.” I looked at the two older men. I wanted to be like that when I got older. I wanted to be the guy that people respected and the one people came to whenever they needed something. For the first time, I wanted to be good, not just for Tommy, but for myself as well.

  I continued to eat in silence, almost afraid that if I spoke too much or too loudly they’d suddenly turn to me and realize I wasn’t supposed to be there. Tommy’s hand rested gently against my knee under the table, steadying me. I liked it there. I glanced over at him as he talked avidly with Danny about some NFL game or something that I didn’t give a crap about. He had dragged me here to change my mind about moving in with him. It was such an obvious ploy that I should’ve been insulted. But I wasn’t. He was succeeding.

  “So when do you want to move in, Jason?” Tommy asked as the meal started to wind down and everyone’s plates were considerably less full. The loveable jerk had known when to ask me. I was full and content, and the combination made me extremely pliable.

  I shrugged. “Whenever you want me to.” He grinned triumphantly. It made me happy to see him happy. “I have a couple bags packed already if you want to start putting them in your car when we go back to my apartment.”

  “Do I need to talk to your family before this happens?” Charlie asked with a frown. “I don’t really want you to just leave without saying something.” I paled at the thought. I didn’t want Charlie and Mark anywhere near Jonathan.

  “No,” I said, probably a bit too hastily. “Trust me when I say it’ll be better if I just go.” I already had the perfect time mapped out. Jonathan would be at the bar Friday, so Tommy and I could go get all my things in no time. I didn’t have much. Mom would probably stare after me like a wounded puppy, but we would both know why I would be going.

  “Are you sure? We don’t mind,” Mark asked. He was also frowning. Crap. How to explain….

  “Little Bit doesn’t need to explain himself,” Dean said unexpectedly. “You didn’t make any of us explain nothing.”

  “We didn’t make you explain anything,” Charlie corrected Dean’s grammar. “And you’re right. We’ve just never had to deal with parents directly.” He gave me a tight smile. “Just tell us what you need, Jason. Do you need help with your things?”

  “Nah. Tommy and I can get everything on Friday. I, uh, don’t have a lot to take with me.” Just my precious clothes and a few books.

  Mark gave me a smile that was all warmth. “Well, if you need any help, let me know. I don’t have any installations that day.”

  I DECIDED to stay the night instead of going to Kevin’s house. Charlie said I could sleep with Tommy since “my room” wasn’t ready yet, but that I wasn’t to get used to it on a weeknight. I saw Dean slip Tommy a condom with all the subtlety of a freight train. The pass was completed with a loud whooping cry for Tommy to “get some.”

  When we were finally ensconced in Tommy’s room, I felt a wave of nervousness. I felt… awkward. Maybe it was because we were actually going to “sleep” with each other that it was so weird. We’d napped, but the act of sleeping beside someone all night and waking up with them in the morning seemed so intimate to me.

  Tommy swallowed hard as he pulled off his shirt and sat on the edge of his bed. I couldn’t resist looking at that cut chest. It was probably my favorite part of him. I loved the way his pecs flexed when he moved. Maybe it was weird, but that was what I found attractive. That muscle looked delicious.

  “It’s different for some reason,” he said. I knew exactly what he meant.

  “Yeah.” I toed off my shoes and opened my brown grocery bag of clothes. I pulled out a clean pair of boxers. “Can I grab a shower in the morning?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Do you, uh, want me to turn around?” Tommy asked as I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. I guessed he could sense my nervousness.

  I started breathing a little heavier. “Uh, no. It’s okay.” My body seemed hyperaware of Tommy and the slight scent of sweat tickled my nose. “Tommy.” His eyes met mine, and I fell into their depths. “I….” He pushed up from the bed and was suddenly right in front of me, close enough that I could feel the heat off him.

  “What is it, baby? You look like you’re in pain. Is this too much for you? I can go sleep on the couch.” That was my Tommy. So considerate.

  “No,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I want you.” The admission made his eyes dilate and his breath quicken to a pant.

  “Want you too, baby.” He rested his hands on my hips and drew me to his chest so his bare torso collided with my clothed one. I wondered briefly what it would be like to feel him, skin to skin. The ridge of his erection dug into my lower abdomen as I fought for some kind of control. I wanted to just give into this feeling, but I knew that after what had happened today I would probably regret it in the morning. I was still sore over the betrayal of earlier. It didn’t matter that we worked it out.

  “I don’t want to go all the way, Tommy,” I said, knowing he’d respect my wishes. I was beginning to see that he had a deep inborn nobility to him. My earlier assumptions that he wasn’t particularly chivalrous were dead wrong. If I asked him for boundaries, he would respect them.

  He swallowed. “Is this because of today?” he asked. He wanted to kiss me. I could see it in his face.

  “Partly,” I said. “I just want….” He leaned forward and pressed his warm wet lips against mine. I could’ve easily lost myself to that kiss except that he made it too brief for me to fall into it. “I want it to be special,” I finished.

  “It will be. I love you and you love me.” That was teenage logic for you. I fully supported it. But I’d suddenly discovered a desire to not just fuck but to make love. I wanted him to make love to me, and I just didn’t think that we were there yet.

  “Tommy…,” I protested. I didn’t know how to say all the things I was thinking without sounding like a love-drunk idiot. He immediately let me go, and I mourned the loss of his touch even as I felt the relief of his acquiescence to my wants.

  “Sorry. I’m being pushy. I just love you, you know?” I knew better than anyone that expressing love with sex was the pinnacle of male teenage expression in a lot of ways.

  “I know. I want it too. But, I’m not ready yet.” It was probably strange to hear coming from me, considering that hours ago, I’d had him in my mouth. I mean, oral sex was still considered sex, but I didn’t feel like it was.

  “I know, baby. It’s okay. Just come lie beside me, and we’ll sleep. I’ll even get into bed first.” Tommy gav
e me a wry grin. He was so damn beautiful. He crossed back over to his bed and slipped under the sheets, still watching me. I felt like I was giving a striptease when I shimmied out of my pants and underwear before pulling the clean pair of boxers up my hips. I was hard, my length straining and not easy to contain in my boxers. He watched me with hooded eyes that sparkled with unspent arousal. I swallowed hard when he moved his hands under the covers. It made me wonder if he was touching himself while thinking of me. The idea turned my crank. I shook my head, walked over to the bed, and climbed into it.

  He reached over and flicked off the bedside lamp. Just because I couldn’t see him didn’t make it any easier for me to not think about him. If anything, it made it worse. I wanted to feel his kiss, his hands, his flesh… I made a frustrated sound and rolled to my side.

  “I’m not used to being restrained,” I admitted into the darkness. He rolled over so he was on his side and facing me.

  “I understand why you are tonight. My carelessness hurt you, so that’s understandable.” Tommy’s face was in shadows, but his scent and warmth penetrated the darkness. He permeated my pores. “I’ll prove that I’m worth it.” I knew he was worth it, but it was nice that he was trying so hard to accommodate my newfound shyness. Still….

  “I’m never going to get some sleep if I don’t get some relief.” I sighed.

  He chuckled. “I know the feeling, baby. Want me to take care of that for you?” His voice got huskier as he asked the question. I shivered at the tone in his voice.

  “Kiss me?” I asked instead, not committing one way or another. I knew myself. If we started one thing, it would be all too easy to fall into another. It’d be extremely easy for me to lie back and spread like warm butter….

  His lips met mine in the darkness. How his aim was so good was anyone’s guess. It was a kiss meant to seduce even if he didn’t get to finish it tonight. Our bare chests collided, and I didn’t even try to help the groan of happiness at the skin-on-skin contact. I rested my hands on his shoulders as the kiss went on and on.

  “Going to try something, J. Don’t worry, going to respect your wishes, but I want to touch you a little. Okay? Trust me?” He panted in my ear as he broke our kiss.

  “Okay,” I murmured, resting my hands on his back as I waited for whatever he planned next. He rolled on top of me, and I cried out at the full contact.

  “Spread, baby. Let me get in between.” I hesitated. “Don’t worry,” he reassured me. “Gonna keep our clothes on. Just want to make us both feel good.” I allowed it.

  He ground against me furiously as our lips tangled once again. Everything was so much more intense than any other experience I’d had in my life. It was heaven and hell and bliss and burden. I wanted everything, and I was terrified of it.

  His cock ground against mine in the darkness, and all I could do was hold on and whimper into his mouth as he swallowed the sounds of my pleasure. I bucked my hips against him, and it wasn’t long before I was close to falling off the edge.

  “Baby,” he panted, breaking the kiss. “I love you. Please, with me. Come with me.” His broken words sent me into a convulsing happy fit and I came undone.

  Two sharp knocks on the door had us moving away from one another like we were on fire. I was on the very edge of the bed, trying to suppress the fact that I was panting for breath. Mark stuck his head in. The light from the kitchen formed a halo behind him.

  “Boys, I know I said you could sleep together, but please keep it down. The other boys aren’t in bed yet, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to hear… noises coming from in here,” Mark chastised us. I could’ve died right about then. I was absolutely mortified that I’d been making “noises.” Christ.

  “Okay, Uncle Mark!” Tommy hissed in a strangled voice. I wasn’t the only one excessively disturbed at being interrupted doing that.

  “Okay. Good night, boys.” Was it just me or was he amused? He was probably amused. The door shut and I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered, putting my hands over my hot cheeks. Tommy giggled in embarrassment.

  “Oh, man.” He echoed my sentiment exactly. I cuddled closer to him and rested my cheek against his now-sweaty chest. “Least now we can think of something else,” he murmured, his voice already sleep-laden.

  “Yeah,” I said. He gave me a brief squeeze before yawning. I was loath to leave myself sticky, but I didn’t want to move. I’d have a shower in the morning anyway.

  “Night, Tommy,” I murmured. But he was already asleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “TIME for school guys. Get up!” Charlie’s voice rang out from the kitchen. I pried my eyes open and was momentarily disoriented by the position I found myself in. Tommy was holding me close from behind me, spooned up like he was never going to let go. It just made me want to sleep some more.

  “I mean it, boys! Up! You need showers and breakfast before you leave.” This was a new experience for me. No one at my apartment woke me up but me. Behind me, Tommy groaned and buried his face against my neck. His breath tickled, but I was too sleepy to do more than grin about it and squirm.

  “Tommy Dmitri Johnson, get your ass out of bed right this instant!” Mark’s voice joined Charlie’s in the kitchen, and Tommy made a noise of frustration before sitting up.

  “I’m up!” he snapped back. I grinned. My lover was so not a morning person. “Ugh! I hate you guys!”

  “Coffee is going. So, drink a cup while Jason showers, but hurry it up. Dean has to get in the bathroom and brush his teeth,” Charlie said. Tommy grumbled but made a noise of affirmation anyway. He looked down at me as if just now remembering I was there.

  “Morning,” he croaked. My morning wood tried to wave good morning for me. I had a vision of the two of us falling into bed together for the rest of the day and forgetting about school or parents or anything else. Alas, my scholarship to NYU would hinge on my AP classes.

  “Morning,” I murmured back. “Guess that means I have to get up, huh?” He nodded and leaned down to give me a kiss.

  “Yep. They’re such pains if I don’t, so better do what they say.” He rolled out of bed and went to his small closet to grab a light-blue robe and a white one. He threw the white one at me. “Here, wear that to the bathroom. It’ll be weird if you’re walking around in your underwear in front of everyone.” I agreed so I put it on quietly.

  “Tommy? Are you up?” Dean’s voice now. “My car won’t start. Can you give me a ride to school?”

  “Yeah. I’ll drop you off.” Tommy shouted back. He slipped out the door and out of my sight. I sighed and rolled over to dress.

  IT TURNED out that Dean didn’t go to Erwin with us. We dropped him off at a community college on the way. I found this odd, considering that despite his size, I’d gleaned that he was Danny’s age, a year younger than me.

  “He goes to the early college program. He’s super smart, like 99th percentile smart. He was going to some fancy gifted school in Boston, but when they moved here, he decided to go to the early college program instead. When he graduates, he’ll have an associate’s degree,” Tommy said, reading my mind as I stared after Dean. “According to Danny, Dean gets in trouble whenever he’s bored, so they have to make sure that he’s occupied academically. Apparently it was a hell of a shock when they had him tested at Danny’s school back home and found out he was so darn smart.”

  “That’s cool.” I had never even considered the early college program. It wasn’t traditional school hours—Dean was apparently home by one thirty most days—and it was fairly limiting as far as peer interactions. I couldn’t even contemplate leaving my beloved Erwin and my awesome friends. It struck me for the first time that high school would end. I only had one more year after this one. A strange sick pain lacerated my chest at the thought. Not seeing Kevin regularly or eating lunch with the guys or anything else that I did every day filled me with dread. I’d always been so intent on leaving that I never really thought about what I w
ould be leaving behind.

  “What’s wrong?” Tommy asked.

  “Nothing,” I answered automatically. “Why?”

  Tommy shrugged and gave me a quick look before turning his attention back to the road. “You just got quiet and that usually means you’re thinking about something that upsets you.” Was I that predictable, or did he just know me really well?

  “It’s just….” I thought about how to phrase it. How to frame my thoughts. “All this is going to end soon. I mean, high school, my life here. Everything. You know?” That was as articulate as I could manage.

  “You have a year and a half, Jason.” Tommy reached over and ruffled my hair. “You think way too much.” I knew that. It was a curse lately. I guess I was trying to make up for the past seventeen years, when I didn’t think about anything. “So, you want me to help with your stuff this afternoon?”

  “Tomorrow,” I said. “I’m going to make sure he’s out of the house first. You think you can pick me up from work tonight?”

  “What time?”

  “I get off at ten.” He cut the engine after we pulled into the parking lot, and then opened his door. I followed suit and laced our hands as we walked toward class.

  “I’ve got a meet tonight out in Shelby, and I don’t know what time we’ll be getting back.” He seemed really apologetic when he said it. I was the one that needed to apologize. I knew it was a pain in the ass to work around my schedule.

  I gave him a brilliant smile. “No big deal, babe. I’ll ask Kev to come pick me up. He’ll be free after practice. Want to just pick me up at his house?”

  His eyes narrowed. “Sure,” he said slowly. “Um, don’t take this the wrong way or anything….”

  “You wondering if there is something between Kev and me?” I asked, knowing where the conversation was going. He nodded. I squeezed his hand. “No worries, Tommy. He’s my best friend and like a brother. Plus, he’s straight.”