Heartless (Keeping Secrets) Read online

  Stupid fucking idiot, I thought as he parted my lips with his tongue so they could tangle and he could express without words just how angry he was with me. He pressed our bodies together, making sure every inch was flush against mine. My head swam. Jesus. I’d forgotten that he was a hell of a kisser. He gave just the right dose of dominance and courtesy that I found exhilarating. I found myself clinging to his back as the kiss deepened further. I wanted him. And I hated him for that power over me.

  I turned my head to the side to break the kiss, panting. He held me to him, unwilling to let me have the space I demanded. “Fuck you, Tommy,” I whispered. It was then I realized the boy I’d been in love with at thirteen, the same one who had threatened to kick my ass for being a queer and then turned around and admitted his crush on me a couple years later, still had the ability to make me breathless.

  Chapter Four

  “UM, AM I interrupting something?” Danny’s hesitant voice cut into our “quarrel.” I was the one who flinched under that scrutiny and pushed away from Tommy like a guy caught with his hands up his girlfriend’s skirt at her parents’ house. It couldn’t have been clearer that Danny had interrupted something if I’d painted it on my chest in neon. Of course, the enormous matching boners Tommy and I were sporting were pretty good signs as well.

  I turned my attention to Danny, who was standing there, awkwardly holding two water bottles. He was glancing between the two of us like he’d missed something vitally important and was just now getting the memo. I sighed. Another prospect ruined. Everything was fucking my good mood in the ass today. First my shoes, then Cade, then my stepdad, now this. Fuck my life.

  I held my hand out, and Danny placed the water bottle in my hand. The cold felt good against my palm, and I twisted the tap and took a deep swallow, ignoring Tommy beside me. After I’d had my fill, I put the cap back on.

  “Thanks for getting me some water,” I said to Danny, giving him a sheepish smile. “I hate to bail so soon, but my parents are expecting me home soon, so I’ve got to go.” The lie came out easily, and even I heard the bark of disbelief from Tommy. I turned my head and shot him a “shut your damn mouth” glare before I reached out and clutched his cousin’s hand. “It was nice dancing with you. We’ll do it again sometime. Okay?” He nodded slowly, still not understanding what was going on between Tommy and me. I wanted to kick something. I looked at Tommy. “See you around.” For once I didn’t care that I was acting like a coward and fled.

  YOU know all those movies where the main protagonist leaves a bad situation and goes to the nearest payphone and calls a friend? I hate to inform Hollywood, but there are no fucking payphones anymore. Everyone and their grandmother has a cell phone. Everyone but me. I had better things to do with my paycheck. Like eat.

  I finally was able to talk someone into letting me use their phone at a gas station a few blocks from the drum circle. The phone rang. Pick it up, Kev, I prayed. It rang again. Please, pick it up, Kev.

  “Hello?” There was a lot of noise in the background. He had to be at a party or something. It was Friday, so he was probably at the after-game hoedown over at Billy’s place.

  “Hey,” I said into the receiver. “It’s me. I need a ride.”

  “Jason? I can barely hear you, man.” A pause. “Hold on. Let me get outside.” Silence, shouting, cheering, more talking. Finally: “What’s the matter?”

  “Can you come pick me up?” I asked, glancing anxiously at the lady who was impatiently tapping her foot. She wasn’t happy about letting me use her cell at all. I think if I moved even one of my legs in the wrong direction, she would pepper spray my ass.

  As always, my knight didn’t ask questions. “Where are you?” I gave him the nearest street sign that I could see and some general landmarks and hung up the phone. I handed it back to the lady with a polite “thank you” before parking my butt on the curb to wait.

  Twenty minutes later, Kevin pulled into the gas station. He had a very nice, very restored 1969 Corvette that his old man had bought for him and had forced him to fix up himself in an effort to teach Kevin the value of expensive things. He’d never had to buy the parts, but he’d certainly had to provide the labor. It was candy-apple red with brown leather upholstered seats that Kevin had even stitched his initials into—KDS, Kevin David St. James. I’d helped him on it a couple nights, but I usually spent more time on his workbench, picking dirt out from under my nails, than doing actual work. He put it in park and got out.

  His green eyes were worry filled as he studied me. “You okay?”

  I shrugged, but it didn’t have my normal devil-may-care attitude driving it. I honestly didn’t know whether I was okay or not. Tommy had been the icing on the cake for a really shitty evening. “It’s been one of those nights,” I admitted. That was guy speak for “I’m hurting but I sure as hell don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  Kevin nodded. “Let’s go home.”

  WE PULLED into his driveway in a little under fifteen minutes. Biltmore Forest was a section of town similar to how I imagined Beverly Hills was to LA. It was an exclusive zip code, which came complete with twenty-four-hour security, extremely well-maintained sidewalks, and absolutely no loitering whatsoever. Oh, and a friggin’ private lake.

  Usually when I came over, I took time to admire the house that should’ve been. The one exactly opposite from Kevin’s that my stepdad had lost playing Russian roulette with a volatile market. But I wasn’t in the mood for “what-ifs” tonight. I was in the mood to get drunk, play Xbox, and forget tonight ever happened.

  Kevin hit the keypad on the side of the house to deactivate the security system. I was the only person outside the family who knew the code. I remembered it the same way Kevin did. His father had drilled it into our heads when we’d gone to elementary school. Thirty aught six, the name of his favorite gun, .30-06.

  Our families had always been intertwined, ever since we were little. When we’d been neighbors, it had been all right. When all the shit had gone down with my stepdad, they’d been the only friends my family had left. Kevin’s mom, Tina, was a housewife who had been more than willing to watch me and play daycare while things got “settled.”

  Nothing ever got settled, and I had spent the majority of my childhood at Kevin’s as opposed to at home. Tina had been the one to take me to my first day at elementary school, and she always made sure Kevin packed something extra in his snack bag for me. They’d been the family I had always wanted. It had escalated the older I’d gotten, until I was spending four or five days a week at their house. My stepdad had put a stop to sleepovers during the week, however, once I’d come out. He saved his nighttime visits for those times to free up my weekends, the considerate bastard. It didn’t matter, though. Kevin and his family had become mine somewhere along the way, and it didn’t take a genius to realize how lucky I was.

  We padded through the house that was silent as the grave. His parents were no doubt asleep, so we were quiet as we made our way upstairs and hung a right down the hall to Kevin’s side of the house. Yeah, Kevin had a whole side. He was even wealthier than Cade, but Kev knew how to show it without showing it off.

  Kevin’s room really consisted of three rooms and a bathroom. The room you entered into from the hallway was his game room, which came complete with every teenage boy’s fantasy, a sixty-four-inch flat-screen plasma TV, four hundred cable channels, and every game system known to man. All of the wonders could be witnessed while sitting comfortably on the off-white suede sectional that was the only piece of furniture in the room except for the coffee table and small dorm-sized refrigerator that he kept soft drinks in.

  Everything else in his rooms paled in significance to the wonder of that space, but then I hadn’t really been into Kevin’s room since I was a lot younger. We usually got stuck, by choice, in his game room before pouring ourselves into bed. His room was on the right, the bathroom was in the middle, and the “guest room”—aka my room—was on the left. Kevin lived in freaking
paradise.

  He threw his letterman jacket on the back of the sectional and picked up the remote to turn on some music. “Talk,” he commanded. Shit. And here I thought I was going to get away with not saying anything. “What happened? Start from the beginning.”

  I did. Everything from my shoes to Tommy came pouring out of my mouth like word vomit. By the time I finished my tirade, I was pissed all over again. “I can’t believe he fucking kissed me like that. I mean, it was like he owned me and was freaking warning everyone off me. How fucked up is that?” And how incredibly hot was that? I rubbed my hands against my eyes and demanded my brain stop thinking such a thing.

  “I really wish you’d let me tell my mom about Jonathan. You said you’d get it to stop, J. You haven’t.” Kevin sighed. I really did not want to go there with him about Jonathan again. I didn’t want anyone else to know, especially not some grown-up who would throw me a pity party. I caved once and told him what was going on. Being my knight in shining armor, Kevin had wanted to go tell the school counselor or the police or some shit. I, of course, had told him under no uncertain circumstances that he was not to tell anyone. He’d been adamant, and it had taken me threatening to never speak to him again and saying I would just lie about it if he did for him to finally get the message. I didn’t need anyone else’s help. I could handle it on my own and I would… eventually.

  “Aren’t you paying attention? Tommy Johnson freaking kissed me,” I ranted, ignoring Kevin’s words. It was an old argument. One we’d had many, many times before.

  “He treats you like he’s entitled to do that, and he’s not, Jason. You’re not his personal hooker, and what he’s doing is wrong.” Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. I’d heard this spiel before. “Jason, you better quit your shit and pay attention to me. I don’t buy this whole thing you’ve got going on. I know you’re not half as big of a douche as you project. It’s a front, and anyone with eyes could see that. Lucky for you that half our classmates are blind. What worries me is the fact that you are allowing Jonathan to not only get away with it, but you’re also allowing him to dictate your personal life.”

  I snorted. “Puh-leez. I’m in charge of my personal life. I don’t have serious boyfriends because there is no one I want to put up with in bed for more than a day or two. Jeez, Kev, lighten up.”

  Kevin was so not buying it. His eyebrows were furrowed like they usually were when he was thinking about something too hard. “He doesn’t control you? Every time you get around someone you might like, you manage to talk yourself out of it. Why? Because you’re scared of what Jonathan will do if he finds out you’ve got a steady boyfriend. If that’s not control, I don’t know what is.”

  Finally I caved. I had to. He was like a dog with a bone, but I didn’t give up ground easily. “It’s only for another couple years, Kev. Then me and you will be at NYU or State, and I can forget he fucking exists.” It was the dream I had clung to since middle school. The end of my hell lay just beyond the other side of graduation.

  “It’s not right.” Kevin balled up his fists like he wanted to hit something. I knew the feeling. Just hours before, I’d felt the same. I reached out and put a hand over his clenched fist.

  “No, it’s not right. But there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. I’m not getting thrown into a foster home for a year. No freaking way. So I’ll run interference the best way I can until then. Okay?” I begged him to understand, to give me a little more time. He was the only, and I do mean only, person who knew about Jonathan outside of my immediate family.

  “You could come live with me. You know Mom and Dad wouldn’t mind.” It was something he’d offered before, but I was stubborn.

  “I don’t need charity, Kev. I love you, you know that, but I am not dragging your parents to court so that I can crash at your place. Besides, you know there is more involved than that if I wanted to live with you. Jonathan would lose it if I lived here. He’d drag your parents into court just for the hell of it, or file kidnapping charges or some shit.”

  He sighed unhappily, but I felt a fierce joy, knowing that I’d won. “Fine, but as soon as you turn eighteen, you’re getting the fuck out of there. You feel me?” I nodded eagerly. “Good. So Tommy boy, huh? I thought you were over him ages ago when he called you an ‘AIDS terrorist’.”

  I felt the burn on my cheeks that clued me in to the fact that I was blushing. “Of course I’m over him. He’s yesterday’s news. Besides, I got him back, remember?” The memory did not bring me the usual pride in my victory that it normally did. “I just couldn’t believe he had the balls to kiss me like that in front of his cousin. What a loser.” The last part was an especially weak bit of commentary on my part, especially since my lips were still tingling and I got warm every time I thought about that kiss. Kevin grunted, male speak for neither agreeing nor disagreeing with my statement. He regarded me for long enough that I got uncomfortable and I forced a yawn that actually wasn’t that forced. I’d gotten off twice today, danced my ass off, and had done a lot of walking. I was pretty tired.

  “I think you’re still into him,” Kevin said as I stood and stripped off my shirt. I blinked and turned around to look at him.

  “What the hell, Kev? What does that mean?”

  Kevin shrugged. “He was the first love of your life, right?” I nodded slowly. “Well, he broke your heart when he bashed you when you came out. You punished him a couple years later, but you never really got over him. It’s simple, man. You’re still into him. It was like Angelina. She cheated on me freshman year. You remember?” I nodded again. “But even after I broke it off with her in front of everybody, I wasn’t satisfied, not until I had her back. It was love, man.”

  I gave a strangled laugh. “Are you telling me that I should date Tommy Johnson? I’m sure that would go over very well.” I tried to play how that conversation would go. Even if we got past our problems with one another, we’d still be faced with the inevitable “meeting the parents” part. I could just imagine how that would go. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Johnson. Yes, yes. I was the one who your son was sucking off in the locker room his freshman year. Yep. That’s me. Didn’t he look gorgeous with a mouthful of dick? I’m sure the people who followed your blog really enjoyed his display. God knows, I did.

  “I’m saying get him out of your system one way or another, J. You’re holding a torch for this guy, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.” Kevin stood and stretched. I glanced at the Erwin High wall clock. It was nearly 2:00 a.m. Yikes. “Okay, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” He waved and retreated to his room. I did the same.

  I couldn’t help but lie awake for a few minutes afterward, though, contemplating the relationship that should have been. If Tommy hadn’t been such a jerk, and if I hadn’t been such a revenge-seeking bastard, how would we have ended up? Would we be the gay version of Kevin and Angelina? We’d never even gone on a date, but I remembered the day clearly. We’d just won the first game in the playoffs at home. It was later than usual, and I was waiting for Kevin and the twins to get done with all their jock-type crap so we could go hit an after party.

  I TURNED my head in time to see him coming out of the locker room. He had on his khaki pants and a mesh white jersey. It was see-through, something he was meant to wear over his pads, but he was apparently sporting it as casual wear. I could see the lines of his chest and even his dusky nipples through the sheer fabric, and I’d gone instantly rock hard. I winced and bent down, pretending to tie my shoelaces in an effort to hide my knee-jerk reaction.

  “Hey, Jason,” he said, his white-sneakered feet stopping about a foot from me. The position put me kneeling at his feet like he was some kind of high school god, but what could I do? I couldn’t stand up. He’d already proven himself to be a grade-A asswipe when it came to boys who liked other boys, so it wasn’t a good idea to show him the rager he’d just given me in the middle of the hallway. Kevin wasn’t there to bloody his nose this time. I looked up into his near-perfect face
and felt a mixture of dread and reluctant, hopeful interest.

  “Hey,” I replied. He looked nervous for some reason. It was really hot to see him looking like he was chewing on more than a math problem.

  “Can I talk to you for a second?”

  I glanced around the empty hallway. “Yep.” I waited for him to say more, but he just sighed and made a noise of irritation.

  “Alone?”

  I blinked. “We are alone.”

  “I mean, really alone, like, not likely to be interrupted alone.” He pointed to a nearby classroom, which had been used earlier as an afterschool meeting room for the cheerleaders but had since settled into darkness. “The door’s unlocked,” he added. How in the world would he know that?

  “Okay.” I heard myself say. I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but the majority of the blood in my brain had decided to shut off suddenly, and I was left scrambling for more intelligible talk.

  I stood and followed him into the empty classroom, grateful that I was behind him. It gave me a minute to calm myself down a little. He didn’t bother to flip on the light, so neither did I. He closed the aluminum door behind us and crossed over to the line of windows on the wall that were partially covered by cheap, white, metal blinds. He looked so lost standing there, staring out onto a darkened parking lot that was filled to capacity with cars but was starting to clear out. It was like he was a man on an island in the middle of the ocean; he was untouchable, which only made me want to touch him more.

  I clenched my hands at my sides to resist the impulse. This was a man who had scoffed, scorned, and publically rejected me for the past one and a half years. He was not to be looked at as anything other than disdain-worthy.