Heartless (Keeping Secrets) Page 9

  “You’re always gone lately.” Jonathan pouted, blocking my way as I turned and tried to get out my bedroom door so I could go wait outside.

  “I’ve been busy. I told you,” I said patiently, sliding along him as I ducked under his arm. My skin crawled from the brief touch. “You’d get sick of me if I was here all the time.” Sometimes it felt like I was the adult and I was surrounded by whiny-ass children. I swore then I was never going to be a parent.

  Jonathan sighed, like I’d taken away his favorite toy or something. “You know, I don’t think it’s too much to ask to be given a little attention.” I didn’t think it was too much to ask not to be fucked by my stepdad, but I didn’t get an option. I glared.

  “Look, Jonathan, I’ve had a really crappy day. I want to go spend the evening with my boys, get drunk, and screw something pretty. Mom will be back soon, and besides, don’t you have poker tonight?” I knew he did, which was why he was putting on the show to begin with. He’d be leaving to go with his buddies in about an hour.

  “Yeah,” he said. He gave a grunt and went into his and Mom’s room. I rolled my eyes and hit the front door. I was so fucking out of here.

  I sat on the curb that turned into the parking lot of the apartment complex and flicked pebbles over the edge into a puddle of dirty, oil-filled water. The purr of Tommy’s engine was easily identifiable against the other traffic running up and down the highway mere feet from my place. I looked up in time to see him pull to a stop in front of me. He rolled the window down.

  “Are you okay, baby?” Something in my expression must’ve clued him in that I was not happy, because he hit the unlock button and didn’t demand an answer. I opened the car door and threw my bag behind my seat, and then climbed on in. I clicked my seat belt, and he put the car in gear. His white-knuckled grip on the shifter told me that he was sweating it. Good. The bastard deserved to be a little uncomfortable.

  “I’m assuming that you’re not going home tonight, with that bag. Where are you going to stay?” Tommy asked after another five-minute stretch of silence.

  “Kevin’s,” I answered simply. It didn’t matter that Kev didn’t know. Tina and Joshua had long since grown used to me coming and going, with and without their son.

  I looked out the window and watched the world whip by in a kaleidoscope of blue, green, and gray. Staring out the side window could sometimes make you sick; the mixture of color and the disoriented view made your stomach rebel. Sometimes the only cure was looking out the front window and steadying your eyes ahead of you. It was a lot like life. I could try and look out my side window, try to focus on the other men, the sex, and the trouble I could get into, but in the end it only made me sick. It was time to face front and purge myself of my constant, soul-deep nausea.

  “I heard you talking with Rick, Tommy.” I just laid out my cards. No more games. No more “punishing” other people because I couldn’t deal. “What exactly was the ‘deal’ you two concocted?” I watched as Tommy flushed red then paled to a pasty white.

  “I–I, baby, it’s not what you think!” he protested. “I admit, I was pissed and played it up with the guys at practice. I told them all that I was just fucking you and then I was going to leave you. But I fell in love with you, and you became something so much more than that. Jason, you have to believe me.” He was babbling now. It was endearing.

  “No bullshit?” I asked, calming down. Now that I’d made the decision to purge myself of poison, I felt so much better.

  “No bullshit. Jason, I love you.” Tommy had tears in his eyes when he spoke. I believed him. It might have been stupid, but I believed him. “I told Rick I was going to bring you down to size, and then when he saw us together, he assumed I was getting back at you for being a dick. I never thought you’d hear that conversation, and I did tell Rick to fuck off anyway.”

  “I believe you,” I said. I tilted my head back so that I stared at the soft gray ceiling and breathed a little easier. My anger had drained away and was replaced by calm. “I can’t move in with you, though, even if Charles and Mark say it’s okay.”

  “Why?” he asked in a small voice. I reached over and patted his thigh.

  “Because I just realized that I would be asking you to rescue me, and I can’t necessarily rely on you. I can only rely on myself.” I thought about the consequences of what I wanted to do. Was I giving him up to assert my independence?

  “Baby, you need help if you’re going to break out of this situation,” he said. Tommy reached over and took my hand. I allowed it. “I swear, even if we weren’t dating, I’d help you.”

  “But we are dating, Tommy. And that changes everything.” I wished there was someone there to guide me. Someone, anyone, that I could talk to who would understand.

  “Come have dinner with me at my house,” Tommy said suddenly, making a U-turn at a red light so we headed away from Kevin’s house. “Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie have been wanting to talk to you and get to know you better. I know you don’t know them well, but they’ve heard it all.”

  “Somehow I don’t think the cookie-cutter gay version of the Partridge family is going to understand,” I said softly.

  “Well, look, here’s what you don’t know. Danny was in a situation a lot like yours.” Tommy dropped that bomb without looking away from the street ahead of him. “Except he left his situation. He was homeless for about two years before Uncle Mark found him living near an abandoned building near his offices in Boston. Danny doesn’t really talk about it, but it was apparently a big deal for our family that they were bringing home a fourteen-year-old homeless kid. They adopted him right before Mom died. They’re used to dealing with situations like yours.”

  I just wanted to bury my face in Tommy’s neck and not think about this. To know that Danny had been where I was and had had the strength to leave gave me a newfound respect for him and for the family he’d become a part of. Like I said, I wasn’t an easy kid, and it gave me just a little flicker of hope. “I don’t know,” I said. I bit into my bottom lip and closed my eyes. I didn’t want them to know, but I also didn’t know how to deal with this anymore. “Maybe I should just stick to my original plan of getting the scholarship and moving.”

  “Huh?” Tommy asked. Ah, I’d forgotten that I hadn’t told him about my future plans. We’d been dealing with my drama so much in the time we’d been dating we hadn’t been able to talk about anything else.

  “I’m going to apply for a scholarship to NYU. It’s a huge deal. I always planned to just get my scholarship and use that to get the hell out of here,” I explained.

  Tommy sighed. “It still wouldn’t hurt to have some extra support, Jason. Trust me when I say that Mark and Charlie are the best people you can ever hope to have around. Please come to dinner? You don’t have to agree or anything, but I think you should talk to them and get to know our family first before you decide that you can’t live with me.” He sounded hurt toward the last. I knew my denial had put that note in his voice, but I just didn’t know up from down anymore. The boy had me in so many knots that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

  “Well, since my chauffeur is heading in that direction anyway, it doesn’t look like I have a choice.” The joke fell flat. I looked over at Tommy as he waited for my decision. Sighing, I reached out and petted his thigh. “I’ll come, Tommy.”

  He relaxed a little after that and took one of his hands off the steering wheel so that he could twine our fingers together. “I am sorry about what happened with Rick. It was stupid, and I should’ve told you about it,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze.

  “Yes. You should have. But, I didn’t exactly react in a way that gave you a chance to explain.” I leaned over and rested my head against his tight bicep. The seat belt stretched across my neck in this position, tightening like a noose. I didn’t care. I just wanted to touch him. “It really hurt to think that you’d done that to me.” I didn’t say that I didn’t deserve it. On the contrary, I probably did for past and fut
ure sins, but I had never felt the bite of something so blatantly cruel before.

  “I really am sorry, baby,” Tommy murmured. “I promise that I’d never hurt you on purpose.” It was then I remembered about kissing Juan. Shit. I should’ve told him about that. But… I didn’t want to disrupt this moment of peace for anything. I nuzzled closer, until the seat belt was almost choking me. I’d make up for it somehow. I’d be a great boyfriend from now on. I made the pledge but still had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I should’ve come clean.

  Chapter Twelve

  I KNOW everyone always talks about loving S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders. It was okay. I was more of a Rumble Fish guy myself. I idolized the Motorcycle Boy, just like Rusty-James did. He was a free man. Someone who took off to go to California on a whim and was so beyond everything internally that normal things just didn’t seem to faze him. The fact that he died in the end seemed to fit. There was no such thing as a real free man and even if there was, he’d end up shot by someone. Standing on the porch, waiting for Tommy to open the door so I could sit down to a family dinner with his uncles and cousins, made me want to be the Motorcycle Boy like nobody’s business. I wanted to climb on a bike and ride the hell away, even if someone killed me.

  “Relax, baby. It’ll be all good,” Tommy said, kissing my cheek. He unlocked the door and swung it open.

  “Tommy, honey, is that you?” Mark’s voice called from somewhere in the interior of the house.

  “Yeah,” Tommy called back. “Jason’s here for dinner.” I followed him as he made his way toward the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I’d been to his house a couple times, but usually when one or both of his uncles were away, and I usually left before they got home. Most of my time had been spent making out in Tommy’s bedroom or on his couch watching TV.

  Mark met us in the entryway into the kitchen. My hand convulsively squeezed around my little brown grocery bag of clothes that I had idiotically brought in with me. His soft brown eyes took in my appearance and flicked to the bag in my hands and the clutch it was getting. He smiled gently. “It’s about time you start mingling a little bit with the family, Jason. Since you’re supposed to be moving in.”

  Tommy gave a whoop. “Are you serious? You and Uncle Charlie are okay with it?” His joy over the news was a little infectious, and I felt a grin spread over my face. Seeing Tommy happy always made me happy.

  “With a few ground rules,” Mark added sternly. “Tommy, why don’t you go upstairs and help Danny finish changing Christian and then go help Uncle Charlie move some stuff out of the garage so that the guest room can be straightened out?” Tommy nodded and gave my hand a squeeze.

  “Sure thing, Uncle Mark. Come on, baby.” He tugged me toward the stairs.

  “Let Jason stay here and help me with dinner, would you? I could use help getting the table set and whatnot,” Mark interrupted. We stopped, and I slowly turned back toward the older man, my heart pounding. He still wore that very kind expression that I was so not used to seeing painted over other adults’ faces when looking at me. “I mean, if you wouldn’t mind, Jason?” I nodded. I could set a table. “Excellent.” I glanced at Tommy, who was looking torn. He wanted to hover. I could see it in his expression.

  “Go on, Tommy dear,” I said softly. “I’ll be okay.” He nodded and headed up the stairs. I turned my attention back toward Mark, who had a quirky half smile on his face that was curiously reminiscent of his nephew.

  “Tommy dear?” he asked. How could I explain that one? My pet name for him had started off as a sneer and somehow had developed into an endearment. So I just shrugged. He shook his head as if he was amused by me and turned back toward the kitchen. I followed.

  “YOU and Tommy haven’t been together long,” Mark remarked as I set out forks for everyone at the table. It was going to be cramped with the baby chair.

  I folded a napkin and put it beside one of the plates. “We’ve known each other since middle school, but, er, we only just started dating.”

  Mark nodded like I’d confirmed his suspicions. “You have some pretty nasty history between you.” My heart flip-flopped as I realized he knew about the video. I didn’t know what to say. What did you say to something like that? “Yeah, my sister showed me the video of you and him that someone posted. Was it you?”

  I nodded and looked down at the floor, pretending to be very, very small. “I was in love with him,” I admitted. “I wanted to pay him back for making fun of me when I came out. I, um….” I trailed off, shame making my cheeks burn until they were probably the same shade as a hooker’s lipstick. “I’m really sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. Tommy told us about it when he asked if you could come live with us. It’s easy to do hurtful things when you’re in pain, especially at your age. Though, when you move in, you have to know that no matter how your relationship with Tommy goes, you have to be respectful. Stuff like that doesn’t seem important right now, but posting stuff online that is that pornographic could affect someone getting into college or getting a job. It’s serious stuff.” Mark was dead serious, and I was absolutely mortified. I knew all that, mind you, but it was still horrifying to have to think that he’d seen me… Christ.

  “I understand,” I whispered. I raised my eyes as he turned back to the stove to stir something that was bubbling on top. “I really appreciate you guys letting me crash here. Even if I don’t end up moving in. If I do, it’ll only be through the next school year. I’m going to try to get into NYU.”

  “That’s good. College is important, and Charlie and I both believe that our boys should bring home A’s and B’s. Is that going to be a problem?” Mark asked. I felt a little interrogated, but I supposed it was par for the course when taking in a stranger.

  “No. I’m pretty good with my grades.” I didn’t want to brag and say I was the best, even though it was true.

  “Okay. But, if you need help at any point, just let us know. We’ll get you a tutor or something.” He really was nice. I don’t think I’d ever met anyone so damn understanding. “We’re converting our office into a bedroom for you. I know you and Tommy are dating, but it’s generally not a good idea to have no space of your own, and you’ll need somewhere to put your things. I don’t mind you staying in Tommy’s room on weekends, but through the week you need to sleep in your own room. In my experience, having a boyfriend can be distracting, especially when you’re supposed to be concentrating.”

  “Okay,” I agreed. The stove timer went off, and Mark dug a hot pad out of one of the drawers by the fridge. He pulled a tray of some sort of meat and put it on the counter. It looked like Shake ’N Bake pork chops to me, but I wasn’t 100 percent sure.

  “Also, if you need protection, you need to let Charlie or myself know.” I started choking as he offered me condoms.

  “Christ,” I said before I could call the words back. He looked over his shoulder at me as he pulled a big bowl out of the top of the cabinet and dumped some green beans in it.

  “I know you’re in love, but protection is important. Anytime you’re sexually active you should use them. Pregnancy isn’t an issue between the two of you, but you need to realize that the consequences of going without can be bad. You should only engage in unprotected sex with someone who you are seriously going to be with. Unless you’re ready to marry, have tests done, and have a date set, condoms are a must,” Mark lectured. I stared at the floor and hoped that it would hear my prayers and swallow me whole. The first time I really talk with the guy, and he’s telling me to use a condom and be safe. Eek!

  “Don’t tell me you’re lecturing him already, Mark.” A boy so tall he had to duck underneath the doorframe spoke as he came into the kitchen. He was fucking gorgeous. I mean, Tommy was hot and Danny was great-looking, but I’d seriously never seen anyone who looked so freaking good. He had eyes that were apple green and hair the color of wheat that was spiked so that it looked casual messy. He could’ve been an Abercrombie model or something. “Give Tommy’
s lover boy a break. He just got here.”

  Mark rolled his eyes and pointed a spatula at the giant. “Dean, I give this speech to all of you, and you ought to take me seriously.”

  The boy grinned, revealing straight white teeth. “Yeah. I can repeat it almost verbatim now.” His green gaze turned on me. “You must be the new addition.” He extended his hand, and I shook it weakly.

  “Nice to meet you,” I murmured to Tommy’s other cousin. Jeez. He was huge.

  “Mark and Charlie picked me up from a shelter for GLBT youth in Boston. Tommy must be taking after his uncle if he is bringing home strays. Where did they dig you up?” Dean asked curiously as he plucked the napkins from my hands and started folding them himself.

  “Um, school?” I answered. What was it about people in this family making me brain-dead? “Tommy and I go to school together.” I tried for a little higher level of articulation and managed that sentence. Great. This was going to be a very interesting dining experience.

  Dean snorted. “Puh-leez. This family has more screwed-up history than most 60 Minutes specials. Even Christian’s mama was a crackhead. What’s your story?”

  “I, uh, have issues with my stepdad,” I conceded. I thought I’d offer something because God knew that Dean was letting his crap all hang out.

  “Does he hit you?” Dean asked, getting a disturbing glint in his eye. “I could kick his ass if you’d like. It’ll be like old times, huh, Mark?”

  Mark made a sound that could’ve been a laugh or a protest, I wasn’t sure. “You have all the subtlety of a machine gun, Dean. Leave Jason alone.” Mark came between us and started putting food on the table. I looked up at Tommy’s cousin.

  “Are you always like this?” I wondered, not realizing that I was speaking aloud.

  Dean grinned. “Yep. Don’t be hatin’ too much, newbie. I got Mark to stop giving you the fifth degree.”

  Huh. So he had.