Heartless (Keeping Secrets) Read online

  He parked his car and leaned over to give me a kiss. I was grateful for the warmth of his lips on mine before he pulled back. “Okay.” He accepted the truth as what it was. “But, just so you know. I don’t want an open relationship or whatever. If you’re my boyfriend, you’re mine and mine alone. Got it?”

  I got it. I got out and waved after I got my backpack out of the trunk. I knew I was smiling like a fool. I needed to call Kevin and tell him the news. He probably wouldn’t believe I was serious, but whatever. The world could have ended right that instant and I wouldn’t have cared.

  Chapter Seven

  INEVITABLY, the world would come crashing down. It always did. It was Newton’s law or something like that.

  “Hey, baby,” Jonathan said as I walked through the door. I froze midstride. I’d been so happy about Tommy that I’d forgotten about Jonathan. Which was a load of stupidity on my part. It didn’t pay to forget about your enemies. “You’re home early.” It was amazing how I went from wonderful to depressed as hell in about five seconds.

  I swallowed. “Leave me alone, Jonathan.” It was the first time I think I ever said that to him. The smirk on his face was instantly replaced by irritation.

  “What crawled up your ass?” He pushed his bulk off the couch and walked toward me. I took a step back.

  “I’m not in the mood,” I said. I threw my backpack down beside the door and went to sidestep him. We did a dance as he met me. I looked up, glared. “What?”

  “You don’t get to tell me that you’re not in the mood, boy. Do you hear me?” Jonathan asked. His voice was flat and cold and held a world of hurt if I pushed it. I’d had enough. I was sick of being scared of him. Maybe it was realizing that I wasn’t worthless. Maybe it was falling in love. Maybe it was really my stupid teenage hormones that made me do it. Whatever it was had me lifting my chin and snarling back in his face.

  “Fuck you, Jonathan!” I shouted. I heard the shuffling sound from the hallway. Ah, so Mom was home after all. My attention turned to her as she put a hand on the wood-paneled wall.

  “What’s with all the shouting? Honey, what is going on?” she asked. Her eyes said she already knew. Had always known. She’d looked the other way too many times not to be either brain-dead or immune to my suffering.

  I pointed to Jonathan. “If your fucking husband touches me again, I’m going to the cops. If you want to lie there and take it like a bitch, that’s your prerogative, but I’m not doing it anymore.” I didn’t see him coming. Seriously. I was that big of a dumbass. He shoved me back, hard. I stumbled and fell on my ass, which made Tommy’s shirt ride up, which exposed the stains on my pants.

  “So that’s what this is about? You found some high school twink to fuck you?” Jonathan’s voice ended in a shout. I saw what before had been anger had now morphed into something much more deadly for me. He leaned down and grabbed me by the shirt, hauling me off the floor. “You think just because you’ve got a boyfriend you can quit me, boy?”

  “Don’t touch me!” I yelled. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Hate fueled me. It became sludge in my veins, air in my lungs, and fury in my limbs. I flailed like I was a fish on a line, struggling for my life.

  “Jon, baby, put him down. You’ll hurt him.” My mother added her voice to the fire as I burned out of control.

  “Go back to bed, Linda. Just go the fuck back to bed. Let me handle him.” I knew exactly how he was going to “handle” me if I didn’t get out of here. He threw me into a wall, and I came up swinging. Something broke, probably a lamp. I didn’t care. We were brawling, and I knew I didn’t have a hope of winning. I was desperate, angry, beyond caring.

  He wrapped his hands around my throat, cutting off my air supply. I struggled. Lights and bubbles of color danced before my eyes. I sagged limply as the strength in my limbs gave out. I wasn’t unconscious. No, that would’ve made my life simpler. I was just exhausted and too weak to move as I struggled to fill my oxygen-deprived body with air.

  Jonathan scooped me up and barked at my mother. “Go to Wanda’s house, Linda.” He knew she shouldn’t drive. Her condition made it impossible to get a driver’s license.

  “But, Jon—”

  “Now, Linda!” he shouted. As always, she shuffled to obey him, shooting me a last desperate glance before grabbing the keys and stepping out the door. I hated her then. Jonathan looked down at me as I glared up at him. “We’ll see if that fucking twink has anything on me. Won’t we, baby?” He went into their bedroom and kicked the door shut behind us.

  “HEY, Jason,” Kev greeted as he sat beside me on the brick wall that led into B building. He frowned as I managed a nod but little else. I knew I wasn’t acting right. I just couldn’t muster up my normal carefree mask today. I should’ve stayed home, but that would’ve meant that I’d have to stay with him. Mom hadn’t come home the night before. Big surprise.

  I’d had to sleep beside that monster and try to remind myself how stabbing him multiple times would only get me arrested or thrown into foster care. Either option seemed like hell to me. I’d even called in sick the rest of the week at work because I couldn’t even handle the idea of being there. I was probably going to get fired. I didn’t give a shit.

  “What happened?” Kevin demanded. I shook my head and burrowed deeper in my hoodie.

  “Leave me alone,” I said. I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t want to think. Nothing could get worse. Then it did.

  “Jason?” Cade asked, walking up to us. I raised my eyes to look at him. His mug was fucked-up from where Tommy had punched him multiple times, but it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. It certainly wasn’t as bad as the bruises I was carrying. I was careful to keep my wrists covered by my jacket. I would be sporting it the rest of the day. Jonathan hadn’t left any that couldn’t be covered by clothes, but he’d left more than a few. My wrists were ugly blue and green, courtesy of Cade.

  “What do you want?” I asked in a bored voice.

  “I wanted to say I was sorry about yesterday. God, I really have no idea what got into me. I’m really, really sorry.” Cade seemed contrite enough, but I was feeling like a prick.

  “Yeah. Okay.” I rolled my eyes and hopped off the stone wall. I winced as I stepped wrong and pain shot up my right thigh.

  “I mean it. I know you probably won’t talk to me anymore, but I had to say that,” Cade pressed, following me as I walked. I scooped up my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I wasn’t in the mood for school. Maybe I’d go hang out in the park or something. I took off toward the parking lot. It was still before first bell. If I hurried, I could make it off campus before they started checking passes. I completely missed the fact that Kevin had been walking with us and was listening closely to our conversation.

  “What the fuck did you do to Jason, Cade?” Kevin demanded. He was going to get pissed quick. He usually did when it came to stuff about me. I was his little brother. He was my knight. But where was my hero?

  I couldn’t even contemplate seeing Tommy today. I was going to break it off with him. I had to. I was unclean, dirty in a way that would sully everything between us. It didn’t matter that I wanted to turn over a new leaf. That just wasn’t me. I was heartless, and I would forever be heartless.

  “Cade? You better fucking tell me!” Kevin was all but shouting now, drawing the attention of several of the early students as they milled around before first bell. I stopped suddenly, and they nearly stumbled into me. There he was.

  Tommy and Danny were headed right toward me, and I was like a deer caught in headlights. Danny waved, and I managed to raise my hand in greeting. Kevin fell silent and glared at the cringing Cade beside me. Tommy glared at Cade too.

  “You need to get the hell away from him, now,” Tommy snapped. Cade did as commanded and took off like a pistol shot. Funny. How come I hadn’t thought of that? Tommy leaned down and pressed a kiss to my cheek, garnering us several more looks from passersby. The rumor mill would be churning by the end of f
irst period. The Erwin High man-whore was off the market.

  “Hey, baby,” Tommy greeted me, putting an arm around my shoulders. He squeezed and I couldn’t help but yelp. He turned a concerned gaze on me. I felt like throwing up.

  I ignored the puzzled looks I was getting and addressed Kevin. “Me and Tommy boy decided to make a go of it,” I said, shrugging off the arm and lacing our fingers instead. Holding hands didn’t hurt.

  Kevin nodded. “Good for you.” He was staring right through me, and I knew if I didn’t get out of here, I was going to be confessing before lunchtime.

  “Congratulations,” Danny said. He didn’t seem too bummed about me standing him up to plan our date. That was good. I didn’t want any family tension. I looked up at Tommy’s perfect face. How was I ever going to break it off with him? He knew all my games, all my tricks. He knew me like no one but Kevin did. Funny how he’d managed to get under my skin and through my bullshit in such a short period of time. I needed to get out of here.

  “I’m not feeling so good,” I said after a ten-second pause. “I think I’m just going to head home.”

  “Let me drive you,” Kevin and Tommy said in unison.

  “No thanks. I don’t think I’m going home right away.” I dropped Tommy’s hand and waved at Kev. “I’ll see you guys later.” I shuffled toward the parking lot. Both of them caught up with me at the same time.

  “You want to go to my house?” Kevin asked. I paused. There was a thought.

  “Is Tina going to be there?” I asked.

  Kev shook his head. “Nah. She’s got Pilates and then some chick-lunch thing that she goes to with her girlfriends until after four. We can just chill in my rooms.”

  “I want to come too,” Tommy said. I forced a chuckle out.

  “You know, the whole point of going was so that I could get some sleep. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Translation: at all.

  “We won’t bug you,” Kev vowed. Tommy nodded in agreement. Great. Now they were ganging up on me.

  “I really want to be alone,” I said. I meant that. I absolutely did not want to be around anyone right now. My brain was fried.

  “We’ll leave you alone for as long as you want,” Tommy promised. Crap. Now I wouldn’t have any choice. I nodded tiredly, too exhausted to argue.

  I ENDED up riding with Tommy in case he got lost as he followed Kevin. I sat in the passenger seat and curled into myself. I just wanted to sleep. Correction, I wanted to sleep next to Tommy in bed and pretend that large parts of yesterday had never happened. I watched as my gorgeous new boyfriend opened and closed his mouth several times before deciding that I wasn’t ready to talk. At least the boy was smart for a jock.

  “I love you,” I said, leaning my forehead against the cool plate of the window. It was too early in this thing we called a relationship to be having to deal with my fucked-up baggage, so I would spare him what I could. We hadn’t even decided if our relationship could survive high school. Forget whether it could survive the other stuff outside Erwin’s hallowed halls of learning.

  “I love you too, J.”

  I realized it was too soon to be repeating the words to each other in every conversation we had, but seventeen seemed old enough to make those sorts of decisions, and falling in love was as easy as falling down on ice. I wasn’t entirely secure in “us” yet, but I knew that we could head into fairly devoted territory very quickly.

  “I shouldn’t be dating you,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, I swear. It was like I had a puppeteer and he’d shoved his hand up my ass to move my mouth. We weren’t far from Kevin’s house, and we wouldn’t have much time to really talk.

  He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles whitened. “What happened between yesterday and today that has you so strung out? You were happy to date me yesterday. What happened after you went home?”

  “Nothing. I just started thinking about it. This really won’t work long term. I mean, you’re you and I’m me, and we come from two different worlds.” The sentence probably made zero sense to him, but it made 100 percent sense to me.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you? You tell me you love me and then try and break up with me. What is that?” His jaw developed an angry tick.

  “I’ve fucked a lot of people,” I said flatly. “I’m cruel, deliberately so, most of the time, and I have no clue how to have a healthy relationship.”

  “We can work through that.”

  “I’m a slut,” I admitted. “I’ll spread for anyone.”

  “Not anymore,” he said confidently. “You promised me that you wouldn’t see anyone else.” It was like it didn’t even occur to him that I’d cheat on him. But I had cheated on him already, hadn’t I? Did it count if you didn’t want it to happen? “We can do this.”

  “Can we?” I asked. “Because I don’t think you can handle this.” I meant so much more than I projected. “This” encompassed a lot more than just my attitude and my messed-up morality compass.

  “Jason, I can handle whatever you have going on. You’ve just got to let me in.” The anger seemed to drain out of him as I watched, leaving him tired. “I want this to work.” I’d actually made myself believe for a brief moment that I could have something with Tommy. Jonathan had reminded me that I didn’t have a life to give him.

  “My stepdad fucks me.” I don’t know what possessed me to say it. Maybe I wanted to shock him. He nearly hit another car.

  “What?”

  I made sure I was in my insulated bubble of I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit when I spoke next. “Yeah. He’s been doing it since I came out. He figured since I was gay, I’d like it. Sick, huh?”

  “Jason, you were thirteen when you came out.”

  No shit, I thought. “He didn’t care.” I tried really hard to remain as aloof as possible. “That’s why we can’t date. I’m so dirty, Tommy. I am fucking disgusting.” I swallowed. “Don’t even bother giving me the whole ‘it’s not your fault’ speech because I’ve heard it before from Kevin.” I made myself as small as possible in my seat beside him. “So now you know all my dirty little secrets.” At least he wouldn’t go into this with his blinders on. I wouldn’t let him. Now he knew everything. As much as I was relieved to get it all off my chest, I waited for the hammer to fall.

  “It isn’t your fault, baby,” he said at long last. “Kevin’s right.” He swallowed as we pulled onto Biltmore Avenue. “I love you and I’ll find a way to fix this.”

  I was so incredibly tired. “You can’t fix this.” He didn’t bother to argue. There was no point. We pulled in behind Kevin’s car, and he cut the engine.

  “I still love you, Jason.”

  Chapter Eight

  KEVIN stood on the sidewalk next to the house and took one look at Tommy’s face before he spoke. “He told you.” He looked surprised. His gaze shot to me, taking in my blank expression.

  I shrugged. “He needed to know what he was getting into.” Kevin knew I’d never told anyone else. He knew better than anyone what that meant. It was the equivalent of me getting on my knees and offering Tommy something that didn’t involve my mouth for once.

  “It’s a little early for that,” Kevin said. Logically I knew he was right. We’d only started dating yesterday, but we’d been emotionally involved for longer than that, even if it was from afar. It felt right and I was too reckless and too tired of fighting it to give a damn.

  He looked at Tommy and his face turned to granite. “You hurt him like you did before, and I will bury you.”

  Tommy took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I won’t.” My heart did that little flutter thing that you always read about in books but never actually experience in real life. Whatever he saw in Tommy’s face must’ve reassured him, because he nodded and headed to the front door. We followed after him.

  He unlocked the door and hit the keypad. I looked over at Tommy, and I felt the place where our bodies were joined. The laced fingers seemed to connect more than tendons, bones, and skin. We were
bound together by something so much deeper than that. At least I felt that way.

  We went up to Kevin’s rooms, and I could tell that Tommy was impressed with his setup. He was wide-eyed as he took in the décor and the equipment. Kev’s cell started ringing as he gave Tommy the grand tour. He fished it out of his pocket and looked at the number. Without preamble he flipped open the phone. There was only one person who he answered regularly.

  “Angelina,” I told Tommy as Kevin’s face glazed over in the same goofy expression it had gotten ever since he’d first laid eyes on her in sixth grade.

  “Hi, babe,” he greeted her. He paused while she spoke. “Yeah, I’m with J and his boyfriend. I’ll come pick you up this afternoon. I love you.” He hung up the phone. He looked at me and then at Tommy. “So which one of you is going to tell me what is going on?”

  I went to the sectional and sat down. It hurt, but I managed to keep my expression blank for the most part. It wasn’t agony. I was just sore. Tommy told Kev about Cade, and I let them think that that was really what I was upset about. Kevin got pissed, predictably, and threatened to kick Cade’s ass. Tommy reassured him that he’d already done that, and I sat there and pretended that was really what had gotten me in a funk.

  “I’m going to go take a nap,” I announced, standing up as Kevin and Tommy chatted about which orifice Cade’s head could and couldn’t fit into. They gave me twin looks of concern.

  “You want me to come with?” Tommy asked immediately. I did. I didn’t want to say so though.

  “If you want.” He stood and followed me to my room.

  TOMMY didn’t demand anything. He just held me. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. I relinquished my shoes and socks but nothing else. He didn’t comment on my modesty. I didn’t offer an explanation. We lay on top of the bedspread, and he wrapped his arms around me. It was all the covers I needed. I fell right off to sleep without any difficulty at all.