Heartless (Keeping Secrets) Read online

  I don’t know how long I slept. I do know that I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. I wasn’t sure what I’d been dreaming, but I woke up swinging. Again and again I pounded the mountain of flesh that was holding me. Distantly I realized that someone was screaming. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was me.

  Call it trauma. Call it the stress of my life finally catching up with me. Call it the last straw. But I was so caught up in the nightmare I didn’t stop swinging until Kevin pulled me off of Tommy. Luckily there hadn’t been much room between the two of us, so I couldn’t get in a full swing, especially since he was holding me so close. Kevin wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me off my boyfriend. He put me in a stranglehold, sat down on the floor with me between his knees, and held on until the fight went out of me.

  “Easy, Jason. Easy!” Kevin shouted at me as I flailed. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was having a heart attack. I stopped struggling once I recognized the voice and once it became very difficult to breathe.

  “Sorry,” I muttered.

  “It’s okay, man,” Kev said. He looked over my head at Tommy, who had pushed himself up to a sitting position. “You okay, Tommy?”

  “Yeah. Fine. Just surprised me, was all.” He still sounded groggy. Poor guy. “Jason? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I tapped Kevin’s thigh. “Let me up, big guy.” He did. Reluctantly. I rolled over and got on my knees so I could pull myself up onto the bed. I was sweaty and uncomfortable. Apparently adrenaline came with heat. Who knew? Without thinking, I pulled off my sweatshirt and went into Tommy’s open arms. I almost missed the sharp intake of breath that followed immediately after.

  “Did Cade do all that?” Kevin asked. It took me a minute to realize what he was talking about. I looked down at my arms and the mottled gray and blue that decorated the flesh there. I wrapped both arms around Tommy to hide them.

  “Yeah,” Tommy answered for me. I was grateful. I didn’t feel like talking for once. The entire day had been one weird dream for me. Where were my snappy comebacks? Where were my awesome one-liners? Where was Jason? I felt a thread of panic at the thought that I had lost myself some time between yesterday and today. “Can you give us a second, Kev?” I hid my face in Tommy’s neck until I heard the door close.

  “You want to tell me who gave you the rest of these?” Tommy’s gentle fingers trailed up my arm. He had known where Cade had bruised me from yesterday. I was grateful that he hadn’t said anything in front of Kev. My big-ass football star would’ve flipped.

  “Jonathan.” I choked on the word. It felt dirty on my tongue.

  “Your stepdad?” he asked. I nodded, looking anywhere but at him. The guest bed duvet had been replaced recently to an ugly floral print. The one Tina had bought me must’ve been in the wash. “Jason, you need to tell someone.”

  “They’ll take me away from you.” It was a new fear of mine, one that overwhelmed all others.

  “So leave the house.”

  “Where would I go?”

  “I could ask Mark and Charlie,” Tommy offered. I thought about it.

  “They’d be okay with you moving in your boyfriend? I mean, they already have three kids, right?” I didn’t want to entertain the possibility if it couldn’t work. I would have asked Kevin, but Tina and Joshua would’ve asked a million questions, and as soon as they found out about Jonathan, they would’ve taken it right to the authorities. I didn’t begrudge them that. They were just big believers in the system. It wasn’t their fault that they had never been on the shitty end of it. I’d had too many friends from my neighborhood experience similar situations and get screwed in the process. They didn’t understand that everything took time and nothing was spontaneously fixed just because you let the good Samaritans know. Besides, Tina and Joshua would have to know what was going on, and I didn’t want them to look at me like that. I didn’t want them to see me as somehow less because of what that jackass did to me. I needed to be somewhere people didn’t ask a ton of questions.

  “There are four of us. You’ve met Danny and Christian. They also have another adopted son, Dean.” My heart sank. Four kids, plus them. Five was probably too much. “But don’t get that look on your face. Uncle Mark and Charlie love kids. They always wanted a big family. They tell me so all the time.”

  “But I’m not theirs.” He gave me a weird look. Then it dawned on me. Duh. None of them were theirs. It was weird how Tommy and Danny looked so much alike for not being related. After another moment’s consideration, I decided that their similarities were all pretty superficial. They didn’t share any of the same features other than their builds, hair, and eye color. If the implied blood relationship hadn’t been there with the title “cousin,” I wouldn’t have assumed that they were related.

  “I mean, I’m not one that they want.” I wasn’t exactly an “easy” kid, and I was older. Most people weren’t keen on going anywhere near me. I’d seen enough movies to know that.

  “Yeah, I’m sure they would really care,” Tommy groused, rolling his eyes. “Why don’t you let me ask first? Before you start being negative.”

  “I’m a realist, Tommy.” Then he kissed me. My mind short-circuited and drifted away on a hit of my favorite poison. As soon as the thought occurred to me, I rethought it. He wasn’t a poison. He was my medicine. He pulled back before the kiss could progress further.

  “You’re mine,” he said. I know; everyone always scoffs when the hero says that. Well, when my hero said it, all I did was shiver in happiness. I melted right into the mattress like a 1980s heroin junkie. It was hard to believe that a few days ago I’d dreaded commitment like a murderer dreaded the electric chair. Now my mind was swirling with images of forever, ad nauseam. It was crazy to even think in those terms. It was freaking nuts. But when he held me close like this, I wanted my life to be a Disney movie.

  Chapter Nine

  I AM not someone who stays down for an extended period of time. It’s not in my nature, by any stretch, to wallow in my own self-pity. By day three of my horrible week, I was back to my normal self. Well, except for the steady boyfriend thing. That was new. Everyone was pretending they weren’t making bets on how long we were going to last. I knew better.

  Since today was the first day I’d been back to school since Tommy and I had officially been a couple, lunch was still up in the air. I found myself anticipating other people’s reactions. Yeah, I was completely and unapologetically an attention whore. I was also proud of having Tommy as my boyfriend. In combination, I couldn’t wait to show him off. He was on the outer edges of our social circle, but he was still one of the in-crowd by virtue of his place on the first string of our football team, varsity wrestling team, and his successful career on the swim team.

  The bell rang to let me out of AP biology, and I grabbed my bag from under my workstation. I was supposed to meet Tommy right after class by the C building water fountain. I should’ve taken my time and played it cool, but I couldn’t resist almost jogging through the crowded hallway, weaving in and out of my peers as I made my way out the F building door and up the concrete steps that led up to C building. A few people called out in greeting, and I managed to throw up my hand more than once. I didn’t get the guy-head nod. I couldn’t time it right, so I just waved.

  I made it to the water fountain before he did, and I tapped my foot impatiently. Man, here I’d hurried here and he made me wait. Figured.

  “Hey, sexy,” my boyfriend said as he walked out of a classroom that was just letting out. I smiled.

  “Hi yourself,” I said, shifting back on my left foot in my classic slouch that somehow managed to look cool at the same time. At least I thought it looked cool. “I was fixing to head on without you. I’m friggin’ starving.” I was a liar. I would’ve waited until lunch was over if I had known that he’d eventually come for me.

  “Well, I’m glad you waited because I’d hate for the masses to think that me and my new boyfriend were already on the rocks.�
� Tommy winked. “You have an interesting rep, Jason. Believe it or not, there are some people who have told me that you’ll just get bored of me in a week or so. It’s apparently your MO.”

  I shrugged. “Well, those people have obviously never seen you naked because if they had, they would know why I don’t drop your sexy ass.” He laughed and put an arm over my shoulders. The greatest thing about hanging with the popular crowd was that no one dared pick on you for fear of inciting the wrath of the entire student body. The hecklers that had existed when I’d first come out had been cycled down the social ladder until they weren’t even a blip on my radar. It certainly made it convenient when walking around throwing a lot of PDA in the hallway.

  “So what’s the news with Mark and Charlie?” I asked as we walked down the long hallway toward the heavy gray-green doors at the end. The cafeteria was just across the quad. Mark and Charles apparently had to think about Tommy’s request, with good reason. There was always a little tension when someone underage wanted to move in with their new squeeze. We were really new, and it was too soon in the eyes of most adults. I was convinced that we’d squeezed in at least six months in the roughly three days we’d been dating.

  “They’re supposed to give me an answer by Friday. I think they’re going to say yes. Danny is on my side and argued for it.” Tommy did the head nod at a couple guys on the football team who were sporting the same letterman jackets that he was. I resisted the urge to try and make them uncomfortable. I lived for riling the straight guys. He squeezed my arm like he’d read my thoughts.

  “Sweet. I’ve already got a couple things packed and stuff.” I hadn’t meant to admit that I was excited, but it just slipped out. He gave me a slow smile that melted me just a little bit. It was still so new that everything he did made me feel that way. He could’ve probably farted at that point and I would’ve thought, “Wow that’s adorable.”

  “Good. I don’t know if Uncle Mark is going to let you stay in my room, but I’m angling for it. I think it’s the principle of the thing more than anything else. I mean, if you were a girl or whatever, it wouldn’t be kosher. But since you’re a guy, they’re not sure if the same rules apply.”

  We pushed open the double doors in unison and stepped out into the quad. It was a sort of internal courtyard at the heart of the school. During the warmer months, the students always sat on the picnic tables outside or lounged on the grass that separated the buildings. With the exception of the senior section, which was an exclusive section of the cafeteria for seniors or those they’d deigned to let sit with them, no one wanted to stay in the crowded cafeteria.

  A, B, and C buildings faced the quad. If you stood on the front steps of the cafeteria, you looked out into the parking lot. We had a hell of a view from the quad. Since Asheville is a valley city, the Appalachian Mountains rose on all sides of our school, feeling like a womb that cradled us all. It made sense that this place was my safe zone.

  We turned heads as we came across the grass. The interested gazes of our fellow classmates made me put an extra bit of swagger in my step.

  “Fucking freak!” one of the rednecks called. It sounded more like “feckin’ frayks,” but that was beside the point. Rick Castalla sneered at me over the catcaller’s shoulder. The guy had yet to forgive me for “turning” his older brother gay last year. It figured that he had goaded one of his cronies into shouting at me. He’d been pulling that same tired crap ever since his brother came out. I grinned and blew the asshole who was more shoulders than neck a kiss and flipped him off. I’d long since learned how to deal with those minor bits of harassment. Tommy chuckled.

  “It really doesn’t bother you, does it?” he asked. He looked thoughtful. “It still bugs me sometimes.”

  I shrugged. “I’ve heard worse. Besides, I take particular pride in being better than them. I have the social position, grades, and looks they want. What better way to rub it in than for me to be extremely happy about it?”

  “Cocky bastard,” Tommy said, but he was smiling.

  “Unapologetically,” I answered cheerfully.

  Our table was prime cafeteria real estate. It was located to the back left, nearest the double door exits and farthest from the teachers’ table. Tommy hadn’t sat with us in a long time, so everyone was just going to have to make room. Angelina was perched on Kevin’s lap chitchatting with another of her cheerleader friends, Dana, and Aaron and Adrian were arguing about who was going to make the playoffs this year. I waved a hand in greeting at our crew. I took up my usual seat beside Kevin and beckoned Tommy to sit by me.

  “So is it l-o-v-e?” Aaron teased, turning his attention to me as I sat down. Adrian’s interest was snagged as well as he looked down at our entwined fingers. I beamed.

  “Hey, Kevin, did you know that your boyfriend has replaced you?” Adrian asked as Kevin put a french fry in his mouth. I saw Kev pet Angelina’s leg. Smart man. She was a bitch when she needed to be.

  “Shut the hell up, Adrian,” she sniped. “Just because you’re dying to get into Jason’s pants doesn’t mean my boyfriend is.” I smothered a laugh as Adrian choked on his milk and turned red in the face.

  “I ain’t gay!” he snapped once he’d regained the ability to breathe. I tugged on Tommy’s hand.

  “Let’s go get some food so they’ll settle down,” I said. Tommy shrugged and followed my lead.

  “ARE you sure that is him?” I heard the whisper but ignored it as two underclassmen started chatting about me as I stood in line for pizza.

  “Yeah. He was on the basketball team, wasn’t he?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So is that his flavor of the week?” Obviously they were talking about Tommy.

  “They’re sitting together, so I guess. I wonder what Johnson sees in him.” Ooh, that was snarky. I was used to jealous cows, but I still prickled to hear my worth questioned. “I mean, isn’t he like, I don’t know, a whore?”

  I turned my head and pinned the two twittering girls with a glare. “Oh yeah, honey. I’m a big whore. But hell, I’ve got a big enough dick that I’m worth it.” My tongue was sharp enough to stab, and I knew it. When I identified one of the cows as Martina Irvine, my grin couldn’t even be suppressed. I tried for an innocent expression. “Oh, Martina, sorry. I didn’t know it was you.”

  She blinked, not expecting the apology. “Uh, it’s okay, Jason. Sorry.” She looked sorry. Her face was beet red. I licked my lips and gave her a soft little smile that in no way took the sting out of my next words.

  “How is Joshy by the way? Does he still have that little birthmark right above his pubes? When we were together, he was really embarrassed about it.” Her face paled as she connected the dots. Yeah, her closet-case boyfriend had showed me his junk on more than one occasion. It didn’t matter that we’d never done anything. My reputation was going to tear his to tatters as soon as she confronted him. I viewed him as a casualty of war. Her eyes started to tear. I took my plate of pizza from the rack. She sputtered. I smiled. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have said anything.” I took my tray and walked off.

  “Why do you do that?” Tommy’s voice made me jump as it sounded in my ear as I got into line.

  “Do what, baby?” I asked. I turned my head so I could look up at him. He didn’t look happy. I frowned.

  “What has Josh Turner ever done to you?”

  I blinked. “Nothing. I don’t have a problem with the guy.”

  “Then why did you just hint to his girlfriend that you fooled around with him?” Tommy demanded. Was he jealous or something? I relaxed and gave him my cocky smile.

  “Aw, don’t worry about it, babe. I didn’t really fool around with him,” I reassured him. His frown deepened.

  “He doesn’t have the insulation that you do. He’s going to end up getting his ass kicked.”

  I shrugged. “You’re worried about Turner getting his ass kicked? He’s a nobody.” Tommy’s jaw ticked in anger. God, what had I said? “I only said it to get ba
ck at Martina. She called me a whore.” I felt the need to explain. I didn’t want him to think I’d wrecked Josh for no reason.

  We’d reached the head of the line, and I ran my student number and moved on. I got free lunch. I waited for Tommy to pay for his. I was nervous now. I couldn’t stand the idea that he was mad at me. He walked past me, carrying his tray.

  “Tommy, wait,” I said, trailing after him. I was hyperaware that people were paying attention to us. They watched as I followed after him like a puppy. What could I do? If I tried to turn away, I might lose him; if I followed after him, people would assume that I was his bitch. Fuck them. I couldn’t stand him walking away from me. He stopped so suddenly I almost ran into his back. He turned back to me.

  “We need to talk. Get your crap and follow me outside,” he demanded.

  “But it’s cold!” I protested.

  His eyes narrowed. “Your choice, J.”

  I knew I’d follow him. I’d follow him anywhere.

  “I DON’T think you’re really like this,” Tommy said as we sat down in a sunny spot on the lawn. There were only six or seven people out on the quad. All of them were bundled up. My stomach was in such a hard knot that I couldn’t eat, so I sipped on my milk box.

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “You’re thoughtless, ruthless, and cruel to people you consider beneath you. I don’t remember you being that way in middle school. Hell, even as a freshman you weren’t that bad.” Didn’t he understand that I had earned the reputation I carried fair and square? “I don’t think this is you. This is that damn mask you wear like a freaking armor plate. You’ve let him turn you into an asshole.” It hurt when he called me an asshole. It really hurt when he compared me to Jonathan, and I didn’t doubt that he just had.

  “I….” I didn’t know what to say. I searched for the words and came up empty-handed. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”